That time when food ruled my life...

I learned early in life to comfort myself with food. It’s how I found happiness, relief, and escape in a world I didn’t quite understand. The first time I was called fat was in grade school, which then began a chain of events that led me to daily warfare with my body. By high school I fell into dieting, calorie counting, and over-exercising. I’d put up rules around food during the day and then go home at night and fall face first into pints of ice cream and boxes of cereal. As I grew into my adult body, I’d swing up and down in weight, with as many as ten different pants sizes in my closet, never satisfied with who I was or what I looked like. I was in food and body hell.

That time I was trying to be everything to everyone...

I was also running around like a wild woman trying to please anyone who crossed my path. I’d stay up until 2am baking birthday cakes for people I barely even knew. I’d break my back attempting to be the perfect friend, daughter, girlfriend, student, and co-worker, hoping if I just said the right thing, did the right thing, was a “good” girl with a “nice” body, I could be happy. I figured if I did everything for everyone they would in turn praise and love me, and that would somehow fill me up. So I hustled for a perfect life – and the hole inside me grew and grew.

That time I spent $112,000 on the "secrets"...

I figured I'd no longer have an eating issue if I knew all the up-to-date research, nutritional information, and the right foods to eat at the right times. I was willing to pay and do just about anything for those secrets, so I took on hefty student loans and enrolled in a double master's program for clinical nutrition and health psychology. I spent the next five years with my head in textbooks learning the science of food and art of behavior change. I practically became a walking nutrition encyclopedia, graduating with one B (it was a B+ might I add). But. I was still a wreck around food.

That time I was a master's level Nutritionist and Counselor and still a wreck around food...

Here I was, an expert on metabolism science. I could write meal plans for dozens of medical conditions in my sleep (i.e., hypothyroidism, anti-inflammatory, metabolism health) and recite all the enzymes and receptors for vitamin and mineral absorption. Yet, I was still emotionally eating, playing games of restriction, and hooked by exhausting food cycles. As much as I wanted the food journey to be about gathering more knowledge and getting A’s, clearly I needed to go deeper. The pursuit of facts wasn't enough. After all, we live in a culture today that has more information than ever before and never have we been more confused. It’s important to clarify all the noise we hear about nutrition these days - don’t get me wrong. But I eventually had to see there was more to inner peace than flax seeds and kale. 

That time I let food be my teacher and my entire life opened up...

I was at a fork in the road. I could keep trying the next fad, buying more books, and feeding my head with more information, which wasn’t getting me very far. Or, I could take a radical approach and let food be my teacher. With a whole lot of patience and an open mind, I eventually saw food was trying to reunite me to the most important parts of my womanhood. It showed me how I punish and reward myself. How I play games inside my head – one minute I’m my own best cheerleader and the very next my best saboteur. It also showed me that I could do just about anything but be. I’d think about food all day, yet when it came time to be with it, I’d scarf it down. When it came to being in my body, I wanted to jump out of my skin. I couldn’t be with my emotions, sit still in the moment, or allow myself to rest. That's when it dawned on me, I didn’t have a food problem, I had a being problem.

That time I started to taste real peace with food, my body, and my life...  

The food asked me to look in the places I’d least expect (which, might I add, I also had the most resistance to), like actually slowing down, trusting myself and my appetite, and unhooking from the drug of efficiency. I took up presencing practices (aka: learning how to actually sit with myself, alone, and not run away for once.) I studied how to ground myself, so I no longer had to rely on blocks of cheese and cookies to do that for me. I also began to trust my emotional eating. It was no longer the enemy, but rather a reliable messenger showing me when I was off my center. I learned how to care for my sensitive soul, listen to my intuition, and be okay in my own skin. I began to trust my cravings and my needs, and I honored them with kindness versus the self-criticism of the past. And I stopped waiting for a special one-day-some-day life, and let myself fill up on the good around me now. The food eventually began to change because I changed. And for the first time in my life I knew what good and true nourishment tasted like. 

The time I wanted to give back and teach...

When I was in the thick of it with food, I wish I had had someone who could have been my ally, teacher, and guide. Someone who could talk science nutrition as well as all the mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects underneath the food. To think, all the money and time I would have saved, not to mention the many, many precious life moments I lost to worrying, planning, and obsessing. That’s why I do what I do, because I don’t want you to waste another minute in these exhausting cycles. My story with food and my body is not an unusual one. I've wondered, who am I to do this work when so many similar stories are out there? I’ve almost taken a hard left in my career path because of this, but the truth is, I couldn’t if I tried. This is exactly where I’m supposed to be and it's an absolute pleasure to be here with you. 

With love,

McKenzie